I am happy to announce that I declare my 12 year imprisonment within the wet, stone walls of the forestry will soon come to an end ... FINALLY!
Yes ... it is that time again. Time to pack my handy traveling bag and wait for 'them' to speak to me and say, "It's time to go." It has to be an unplanned moment, a spontaneous decision. Why? Maybe because I scare easily (which is kinda funny if you consider some of the things I have faced and survived). Or maybe it's just the trill of the unknown being thrown at you from all directions. Who knows ... what I do know is I have to go ... and soon. The last of my humanity (wait was there any left?) is being murdered the longer I stay here. And whatever is left of my soul is being sucked dry. So talking with S at work, I have come to the conclusion that 'it is time to go'. S pointed out a very interesting thing to me. I have been putting my life on hold for others; whenever anyone calls, I run to them. But S pointed out, "You don't always have to catch the ball." So I got thinking ... what if I already caught the ball and have been clutching it tightly for a while? ... is it still okay to blatantly turn my hand over, release my fingers and let it fall?
YES! A resounding yes screamed at me. So I am dropping the ball. WOO!
Have I told work? No. But I don't know myself when I am leaving. And for now they are not to know. But this time will be different then the others. Well, every time is always different ... but then again always the same. The thing is, I pack a bag, jump on a plane, boat, or bus and go. The length, city, country, continent varies, but in the end I always come back. So this time I am doing something I have forbade myself to do .... I am making a plan. But an open plan.
My plan is thus: I will not return.
I don't mean I won't ever visit, cause I will. But for all intent and purposes I am leaving to find a home this time. I am leaving the home I have (well don't really have one, but I will call it my home), and putting it behind me to look for something that I have not found yet. Does this mean G is settling down? HELL NO! But I will be finding a new place that I will always be returning to from now on.
The hardest part (as much as I love my gypsy-ing ways) will be to not return to this place. The Hellmouth was opened beneath me here, and it always calls me back. No matter how hard I fight it, it pulls me back. So I know I have a huge battle before me, but I am determined to win. And just maybe, once I separate myself from this newly-turned hell dimension, I will be able to return at least a part of my humanity back to the surface. OH! Don't worry for those who love me as I am ... I promise to stay evil! Otherwise all that good upbringing my Papa Bug gave to me would be worth nothing ... after all he helped me to be the evil I was meant to. Thanks Papa Bug!
So for now, stay turned. You will learn what is to come when I do. Let's hear it for walking blindly into the night. I'd go in the day, but the sun tends to hurt my demon eyes. (D&A know what I speak of lol.)
